Invader Zim: The New World

"It is going well, my tallest. The doomsday machine is on the final stages of being built. It is only a matter of time before we're able to conquer the planet and bring humanity to its knees." Zim said as he stood in front of his computer screen.

"Say, Zim. One of the other invaders said he found something redeemable about his assigned planet. We had to send someone to replace him. You're not going soft on us, are you?" One of them asked as he took a bite of some alien fruit.

"No, my tallest. In fact, my hatred of the human race seems to be growing stronger with each passing day." Zim said, "If only you could see the type of-"

"Before we proceed with Operation Impending Doom II we must try to see if perhaps they know something we don't, something that may be of some use to us. We wouldn't want other alien species claiming the information for themselves, would we?"

"But my tallest, I go to their source of information almost every day and I can assure you everything they consider of value is of no interest to us. In fact, attending what they call Skool has only helped me confirm what I already thought to be true. Humanity is a stupid, ignorant species. They are no match for the likes of the Irken race, or the likes of ZIM!"

"If that's of no use, try looking elsewhere for your information. Sometimes it's the little things that have the greatest impact."

Taking the tallest's advice, he walked around the city for a good while, observing the same amount of idiocy humanity seemed to exhibit. Three things stood out above all: Sex, Violence, and Stupidity. All these things were inherent in every living thing, but the humans treated it like it was the one thing that made them special. A species that pandered to and glorified the things they shared with the lower species was contemptible.

He walked until he saw something that caught his eye. There was a group of people outside a hospital holding signs that read "Abortion Is Murder" and a counter-protest with signs that said "My body, my choice". And for the first time, the Irken didn't know where he stood. At first he thought abortion was a good thing; the less humans the better, but then he wondered what it would be like if the same thing were happening in his home planet. The answer wasn't so black and white anymore.

He walked inside the hospital, hoping to find more information about the strengths and weaknesses of the human race. In there he saw people with shootings and stabbing wounds, burn victims, and cancer patients. He made notes about their bodies and their susceptibility to external forces. At one point he wondered why they even dedicated their time to the needy. After a while he came to the conclusion that it must be greed since all they cared about was money, but then why did people donate to charity so selflessly?

He turned his attention to the TV, which was airing a live broadcast of a suicide bombing. He was appalled by the audacity of it. A human who would end his own life for promises of an afterlife. It was pathetic. Was it really that hard to understand? Blind faith in anything was bad because that logic can be applied to any creed. There's no logic involved when choosing one over the other.

The news report was cut short due to the graphic images of the situation, but another reporter commented on how much it reminded him of last week's incident where they had to cut the report because a man's head had fallen off. They recently managed to get an interview with the victim's spouse and she said, "He was talking to a stranger. I turned my back for a few seconds and the next thing I knew his head had fallen off."

"Thanks to a lot of superglue the victim is now on his way to speedy recovery." The reporter said.

Zim became agitated at their stupidity and left the room. He tried to look for more patients so he could take notes, but found a room with a bunch of babies instead. As disgusting as he found them, something interesting caught his eye. Some of the males had their genitalia covered with blood. As he got closer to the window and compared them to other babies in the room he realized that part of their penises had been cut off. He stood there, frozen and confused, shocked and speechless. For a country that was founded on freedom, this wasn't very free. Even to someone from an alien race it seemed like an elementary point. No one should make bodily altering procedures on someone without their consent. Especially on newborn infants who don't even know what's going on. If it was something that was beneficial, the individual would make that decision for himself when he was older. But when one looks at this from a scientific point of view, there was no way that procedure could ever be beneficial. What they were cutting off was a byproduct of evolution, a crucial feature designed to ensure the survival of the species. It was there for a reason. Didn't they know the functions of the foreskin? And if they did, why then were they performing this barbaric practice on their young?

The Irken race thought this feature was exclusive to them, but apparently not. Their foreskin is meant to protect the urethra from contaminants while keeping the glans healthy, clean, moist, and sensitive, making sex more enjoyable, so watching humans cutting them off in the stage of infancy was nothing short of repulsive. It was the strangest thing of all; humans were depriving themselves of their bodily integrity, their most basic fundamental right as human beings. All while there were women outside holding signs that read "My body, my choice". Applying that to women, but not to men was not only hypocritical, but sexist. So much for freedom.

His hatred for humanity grew and he had made his decision then and there. Humanity was to be no more. A scoundrel of a species who would circumcise their young, limiting them of their most carnal human pleasure was disgusting. This wasn't just something he would take great pleasure in, it was for the benefit of the universe as they knew it. If he did nothing, human ideologies might spread, making the universe a horrible place to live in. This had to be handled before they had a chance to spread their iniquity elsewhere.

It started to rain as he headed home, so he stopped in a local shop to get his mind off things, not really expecting anything, when he ran across a very interesting work of art on the shelf near the back. It spoke to him in ways he could not begin to describe. It made him realize that no matter how evil the things he had seen were, this world really did have some redeemable aspects about it. He purchased the art piece and headed home shortly afterwards. The tallest would surely be interested to hear about it.

This experience opened up his perspective to a whole new way of looking at things. 'Where would Dib be without me?' he wondered. He figured he'd probably go back to his meaningless existence, wondering aimlessly, being ignored by the others. 'Where would I be without him?' he thought. He would've probably been able to exterminate the whole human race and never have gotten to see why this planet was worthy of existence.

As that thought entered his head, he saw a man being assaulted on an alley way. Seeing that somehow led him to the perfect conclusion. He was to make an announcement to the world, informing them of the doomsday machine, which would be triggered if any more of these atrocities happened. It would create fear across the world, creating a peace race. He would program it to explode the second anyone tried to untrigger it. It was the perfect plan, but for now, he had to take care of this, so he pulled out his weapon, but before he had the chance to do anything, he was stopped by the sound of a gunshot followed by very sharp bodily pain.

The world would continue to be the same pathetic thing that it was. With its rare, but magical wonders being ignored while they idolatrized the typical, the average, and the ordinary. He rolled over in pain to face his killer as the assailant ran free. He looked up and saw Dib holding a gun in his hand as blood spilled from his wound.